My father, Rev. Bob Owens, is a retired PC-USA pastor and is Pastor Emeritus of First Presbyterian Church of Honolulu. We have been speaking out about domestic violence (DV) in the church since 1988 when my estranged husband David attacked us both after I filed for divorce due to his unrelenting, increasing psychological and emotional abuse and threats of violence.

First, be aware that your activities may be monitored or recorded by the person abusing you. 

It is easy to fool yourself and tell yourself that he is probably “all hot air” and not really dangerous. Maintaining a focus on your safety can be uncomfortable and difficult when you are confused, exhausted, have many decisions to make and many daily responsibilities.

If you are planning to leave your abuser, do not let him know this and do not talk about it with anyone who will reveal this information to him.

If you are a person of faith, there are some great resources available.

Going to couples' counseling with your abuser can escalate the danger and is very unlikely to stop the abuse, since those who abuse do not usually take responsibility for their actions. They are likely to use the sessions to try to convince the counselor that you are the problem.

Also, it is very important to know that substance abuse treatment, mental health treatment and psychiatric medications will not stop your partner’s domestic violence...

No one can answer this question. Maybe he can change a little. Maybe he can change a lot (although this is fairly rare.) Maybe he will not change at all. Maybe he will even get worse. There is no way to predict this.

First, I am so sorry because I know the grief that this must cause you. You must feel very powerless and afraid for your loved one. However, since she is presumably a competent adult (albeit one who is being controlled and possibly terrorized by an abuser), there is nothing that you can do legally. I have known many people in this horrible situation and essentially it is a powerless and very frustrating position.

I’m so glad that you are interested in doing speaking and training. The first thing I did after my assault was get counseling and then join a victim support group, which I soon began co-facilitating. I facilitated support groups for many years as I worked on my own recovery and educated myself about the complexities of domestic violence, violence against women in all its forms, trauma and many related concerns. I also did quite a bit of volunteer work with victims, joined local leadership councils and met people who worked at local and state victim service agencies, the state domestic violence coalition, etc.